The Shade Shed
by Merickson
Summary: Hot retail action in screenplay format.


EXT. STRIP MALL - DAY

ANN, a frumpy 25-year-old woman in an overcoat, stands in the  
parking lot of a large strip mall, taking in the grand sight  
of the tacky storefronts. With a deep breath, she starts  
walking up to one.

A man, JOE, sets up a "25% Off Sale!" standee in front of a  
store named Joe's Music Corner. He notices Ann approaching  
and eagerly turns to her.

JOE  
Hi there, miss! Here for a new  
guitar?

ANN  
Oh, no thank you, I'm actually  
going to The Shade Shed.

Joe looks over at The Shade Shed, a store half the size of  
all the others on the strip.

JOE  
The Shade Shed?!

Ann nods.

ANN  
Uh-huh. I'm interviewing Chris  
Teale for Business Maniac Weekly.

JOE  
No one ever goes to that place.  
You should interview me. My store  
is way more successful.

ANN  
But Mister Teale is so mysterious,  
and I'm strangely drawn to him for  
some inexplicable reason.

JOE  
But I sell amplifiers.

ANN  
I'll keep that in mind.

Ann walks past Joe.

JOE  
Like us on Facebook!

INT. THE SHADE SHED

Ann enters. The walls are lined with sunglasses on display  
racks. The reception desk sits unattended, covered with  
paper airplanes. A few feet in front of the desk is a card  
table with a bedsheet draped over it.

ANN  
H-hello?

CHRIS, a 28-year-old man in a cheap suit, pokes his head out  
from under the sheet.

CHRIS  
Tina! Fort Chris needs a flag!

He notices Ann.

CHRIS  
Oh f-

His retreats back under the sheet.

CHRIS (O.S.)  
Tina! Tinaaa!

TINA, a twentysomething secretary, emerges from a back room,  
carrying a trash bag filled with empty aluminum cans.

TINA  
You seriously drink too much  
caffeine, Chris.

She sees Ann.

TINA  
Oh!

Tina drops the trash bag and hurries to the reception desk.

TINA  
Hello! Um...what do you want?

ANN  
I'm...Ann Copper. I'm here to  
interview Mister Teale?

TINA  
Okay...well...uh...

CHRIS (O.S.)  
(whispering)  
"Mister Teale is in an important -"

TINA  
Mister Teale is in an important  
meeting!

Chris crawls out from behind the bedsheet-adorned card table,  
scrambling on his hands and knees to the back room, where the  
sound of rustling cans then emanates from.

TINA  
Please have a seat and you'll be  
notified when he's ready to see  
you.

Ann looks around.

ANN  
There...aren't any chairs.

TINA  
Please lean against a counter and  
you'll be notified when -

CHRIS (V.O.)  
(from desk intercom)  
Tina.

TINA  
(to intercom)  
Yeah, Chris - I mean, sir?

CHRIS (V.O.)  
I've never used an intercom before.  
Am I doing it right?

TINA  
I think so, sir.

CHRIS (V.O.)  
Cool! Intercoms are awesome!

The intercom goes silent for a long, awkward moment.

CHRIS (V.O.)  
Hey Tina.

TINA  
Yes, sir?

CHRIS (V.O.)  
Is that one girl still there?

TINA  
Yes, sir.

CHRIS (V.O.)  
You should tell her to come into my  
office now.

TINA  
Yes, sir.  
(to Ann)  
Um, go in?

INT. OFFICE

Ann takes one step in and immediately trips and falls over  
the empty energy-drink cans that litter the floor.

ANN  
Oh no! I'm so clumsy! I -

She looks up. Chris is standing behind his desk, obliviously  
staring out a large window, the view from which is completely  
obstructed by the solid brick wall of an adjacent building.

CHRIS  
(to himself)  
Why is there a window here?

ANN  
Hello?

CHRIS  
Could just wall this up.

ANN  
(louder)  
It sure is embarrassing what just  
happened to me!

CHRIS  
Hang a nice Bob Ross painting.

ANN  
I fell on the floor!

Chris turns to Ann.

CHRIS  
Oh! I'll buzz Tina on the intercom  
to come help you!

Ann shoots to a stand.

ANN  
No! That's okay! I wouldn't want  
anything to disturb this...private  
meeting.

CHRIS  
Is there anything I can do for you  
that involves me talking on the  
intercom?

ANN  
No.

CHRIS  
(disappointed)  
Okay.

Chris cracks open a Red Bull and starts chugging it. Ann  
sits down on a folding chair set up in front of his desk.

ANN  
It's just nice to sit down.

CHRIS  
(between chugs)  
Yeah, that chair and the card table  
out front have to go back to my dad  
in an hour. He's got a big poker  
game today, so you'd better make  
this quick.

Chris stares off wistfully.

CHRIS  
Fort Chris shall be torn asunder.

ANN  
Ooh, so your family is important to  
you? Would you like to start your  
own family? Maybe with a woman?

CHRIS  
Is this part of the interview?

ANN  
Oh, no. Wait, I have those  
questions right here.

Ann takes out her iPhone and reads from it.

ANN  
Okay, question one. Up until last  
year you were the most prominent  
seller of sunglasses in downtown  
Seattle. Will you take me out to  
dinner -

Chris finishes his Red Bull and throws the empty can across  
the room.

CHRIS  
I'm still the biggest sunglass  
seller!

ANN  
Okay.

CHRIS  
Those bastards at Twilight Eyes  
sell tinted contact lenses! Those  
aren't sunglasses at all! They're  
contacts that make you look like  
those creepy black-eyed kids that  
always hang out with Bigfoot!

ANN  
Oh my, you're so angry and manly.  
It's intimidating.

CHRIS  
The only reason I had to move to a  
smaller location is because  
customers are stupid. Make sure  
you put that in the interview.  
Customers are stupid.

ANN  
Mmm, yes, sir.

CHRIS  
That'll get them to shop here  
again.

ANN  
Mmm-hmm.

CHRIS  
You gonna write any of this down or  
what?

ANN  
I will later. Question two. What  
do you do in your free time?

Chris smiles.

CHRIS  
I'll show you, my dear.

He stands up and walks over to a closet door.

ANN  
Ooh!

CHRIS  
This is my top-secret room. I call  
it...The Broom Closet.

He opens the door. Inside the cramped space is a hanging  
microphone and a pile of recording equipment.

CHRIS  
But as of this morning, it's...The  
Sound Booth.

ANN  
Oh...kay?

CHRIS  
In this room...I plan to  
record...my audiobook!

Chris grabs a stack of papers off the closet floor and holds  
it up.

CHRIS  
It's called "The Adventures of  
Space Trek," and it will be the new  
classic of our times!

ANN  
"Space Trek"? That sounds like  
"Star Tr-

CHRIS  
It doesn't sound like anything!  
It's my own totally original story!  
Copyright Chris Teale registered  
trademark patent pending!

ANN  
Okay.

CHRIS  
You have no idea how many Red Bulls  
and Rock Stars it took to come up  
with this masterpiece!

ANN  
Well that's...sexy?

CHRIS  
Also, don't put any of this in the  
interview. It's a secret.

ANN  
Then why are you telling me about  
it?

CHRIS  
Because...

Chris walks up to Ann.

CHRIS  
...I want you to voice the  
audiobook!

ANN  
Me?! Why?!

CHRIS  
Because you're the chosen one.  
Chosen by me.

ANN  
Holy crap! I can't believe this!  
I'm not worthy!

CHRIS  
I am Chris Teale and I command it  
to be so!

Ann jumps out of her seat and excitedly bobs up and down.

ANN  
Omigod omigod omigod...

CHRIS  
You just have to sign my contract.

Chris reaches behind his desk and pulls out a placemat with  
Ronald McDonald's face on it.

ANN  
...omigod omig- Wait, that's a  
placemat from McDonald's.

Chris holds the placemat up to Ann.

CHRIS  
Sign the contract!

CUT TO:

Ann stands in the open doorway of the closet, the microphone  
in her face.

ANN  
I think I'm way too close to this  
thing, Chris.

CHRIS  
It adds to the realism.

ANN  
How -

CHRIS  
Now start reading.

ANN  
These pages are all mixed up.

CHRIS  
Just start reading. I'll fix it  
later.

ANN  
(reading)  
"And so Birk and Splock set out to  
heroically murder those asshole  
aliens from planet Trilight Fies  
with the help of their new best  
friend Gris Deale."

A precariously-placed cardboard box tips off of a shelf above  
Ann's head.

ANN  
Oh crap!

She jumps out of the way as the box falls on the floor and  
contact lenses spill out of it.

ANN  
What's this?

CHRIS  
I don't know. Hey, Gris Deale sure  
is a badass, isn't he?

Ann reads some text on the box.

ANN  
"Property of Twilight Eyes Custom  
Contact Lenses." I knew it!

She throws off her overcoat, revealing a holstered handgun,  
and holds up a police badge.

ANN  
Ann Grabowski, SPD!

CHRIS  
I thought you said your last name  
was Copper - ohhh.

ANN  
When Twilight Eyes was robbed, they  
told me you had a grudge against  
them, so here I am, and here you  
are, under arrest!

CHRIS  
I never robbed those assholes!  
They probably framed me!

ANN  
Yeah, yeah. Turn around and put  
your hands behind your head. You  
have the right to remain silen-

Tina falls through the ceiling and slams onto Chris's desk.  
Several more boxes full of contact lenses follow her, hitting  
the floor.

ANN  
What the crap?!

CHRIS  
Tina?

TINA  
Goddamn cheap ceiling tiles!

Ann pulls Tina off the desk.

ANN  
Ann Grabowski, SPD! Mind telling  
me what's going on here?!

CHRIS  
Tina? Were you framing me?

TINA  
Yes!

CHRIS  
Gasp!

TINA  
But only because you're guilty of a  
worse crime!  
(to Ann)  
Officer, arrest this man for  
plagiarism!

ANN  
What?

TINA  
His stupid book is a total rip-off  
of the great "Star Trek" fan  
fiction "Gorn and Horta's Hot Night  
in the Erogenous Zone," written by  
"starlightdazzlegoddess94"!

ANN  
Would "starlightdazzlegoddess94"  
happen to be you?

TINA  
M-maybe!

CHRIS  
You read my book! It was a secret!

TINA  
No one ever comes into this dump!  
There's nothing to do here but go  
through all the stuff you have in  
your office!

CHRIS  
Customers are stupid!

ANN  
So you committed a robbery and  
framed Chris for it, and now you  
want me to arrest him for ripping  
off a fan fiction you wrote?

TINA  
Yes!

ANN  
Uh-huh.

CUT TO:

EXT. STRIP MALL - LATER

Ann escorts a handcuffed Tina out of The Shade Shed.

ANN  
You have the right to remain  
silent. Anything you say can and  
will be used against you -

Joe runs up.

JOE  
Oh, you're a cop! Thank god. I  
need your help.

ANN  
What now?

JOE  
I was just in my supply room and  
saw that someone broke in and stole  
my most expensive audio-recording  
equipment!

Chris pokes his head out of the entrance door.

CHRIS  
I was framed!

ANN  
That's it!

Ann pulls her gun and aims at Chris, but is interrupted when  
unseen trumpets start blaring.

ANN  
The hell?

ALEX D. LINZ parachutes down holding a trophy depicting Max  
Martini's head.

ALEX D. LINZ  
Hi, I'm former child actor Alex D.  
Linz, and I'm here to present all  
of you with the Golden Taylor Award  
for being the one-billionth parody  
of "Fifty Shades of Grey"!

ANN  
Holy crap!

JOE  
Wow!

Chris runs out to join everyone.

CHRIS  
We did it!

Tina casually flings off her handcuffs.

TINA  
Yay!

A giant light grid reading "ONE BILLION!" rises up from the  
roof of the strip mall as streamers rain down from the sky.

Alex D. Linz pops a bottle of champagne and sprays it  
everywhere. Ann, Chris, Joe, and Tina cheer and gather  
behind him.

EVERYONE  
(singing)  
Should auld acquaintance be forgot  
and never brought to mind...

ALEX D. LINZ  
(to camera)  
Happy new year, everybody!

THE END


End file.
